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Writer's pictureadambrotmanpsych

How to change

Updated: Jul 24, 2020

Everyone gets caught at various points in their lives, in different ways, in the following trap: We've decided on something about ourselves we want to change. We want to be more self-disciplined, nicer, more loving, more assertive, less emotionally reactive, more emotionally expressive, more stylish, less superficial, a more engaged parent, spouse, friend, etc... Okay, so at a moment of self-reflection we decide to start tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and somehow we fail. We forget to do the new thing we were going to do. We look back at the day and we're not sure we had the opportunity to do the new thing. Or we look back and we recall opportunities we did not see at the time, or we reflect on ways we could not bring ourselves to do the new thing at the moment the new thing would have been good to do.


Oddly enough, it turns out in order to change we have to first accept ourselves as we are. I would even say we need to always be doing both at the same time - accepting ourselves as we are and striving to be better. People can debate the second part of that, but it is a belief I hold, that for me a life well-lived involves continuous growth. The first part, about the need to accept oneself, I consider a fact.


We can aspire to all levels of greatness, but in terms of what we accomplish today, tomorrow and probably the next day, we need to work with what we've got. We need to point ourselves in the direction we want to go and take a small step. We need to know ourselves honestly, make good use of strengths, work effectively with weaknesses, and set attainable short-term goals.


Let's say you have a problem with anger, for example. You tend to get angry suddenly, then you regret it and feel ashamed. Then you vow never to get angry again. Or you vow to go live in a cave. Then you think, there's no way I can do either of those things, and in fact, I'll never get over this and I'm just an angry person. Then you feel depressed, or maybe you even feel angry about your anger. Going forward, maybe in some instances you manage to contain your anger and "walk away." You take deep breaths, count to ten. Sometimes you do it, sometimes you forget because the anger hits you so quickly.


Real change is possible for someone in this situation, and here's how it tends to look. You get angry (or do whatever it is you wish you would not do) in your typical way. Your habitual pattern of shame and remorse kicks in. Then, if you've been exposed to some psychotherapy ideas, maybe you step back from yourself and you attempt to bring some kindness to yourself. Initially this is very hard to do because you have a deeply entrenched habit of chastising and condemning yourself. But gradually you begin to feel the truth that you are just a person doing the best you can with what you have had up to this moment. And you start to realize that the next moment can be a little different, and when enough moments have been different a new pattern emerges. You begin to come into contact with the hurt, fear, sadness or other emotions that have gotten folded into this experience of anger.


When you can allow yourself to feel all the emotions and to view the whole experience with kindness toward yourself, new possibilities emerge. Maybe you develop the ability to make honest, heartfelt apologies that lead to true healing of relationships. Maybe, because you have your held held up and your eyes open, you recognize early signs you are headed toward anger and you find ways to address what is happening. Maybe you open up to the full picture of your life and realize there are aspects of your situation you can change.


Therapy can help. I'm a therapist. I can help.


You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting over and over announcing your place in the family of things. -Mary Oliver, Wild Geese

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